It has been 5 months now, and I stand by it- these days are almost continuously gloriously joyful, blissful, sumptuous days. I am so grateful I want to cry thinking about it.
Tonight I just wanted to say that while for a time I was reading lots of htp and suchlike, the more pain and hurt/comfort and a certain flavor of horror the better, but for maybe a month now I somehow got to reading nice fic that, among other things, includes 4 Minute Window. This work, more than being an all-time favorite now, contains these guys being endlessly happy together, happy in each other, and happy in their lives. And their lives aren't perfect because they have everything, but because they have what they want. That is what I keep thinking, over and over these past 5 months, that I have achieved continuous bliss because I've gotten my life to be everything I wanted it to be.
I have a job I am good at, that I feel valued in, that I don't burn out in, and that provides for me. That I feel professional pride in, and can rock my professional fashion sense in. I have a great home with a great housemate and in which I have a really great cave. My relationships with my friends and family are for the most part really good or getting better. I have long term prospects but don't need to be in a rush to work on them. I have enough money not to worry about debt or bills, and enough to be able to just buy things and do things.
I could die, that's how secure and satisfied I feel. For a while there I couldn't die because I needed to finish my degree, needed to rectify that imbalance. Being in that place wasn't good. Having weights and debts keeping me bound here is not good. Better to live due to desire than to debt. And due to serving others and one's present and future than rectifying the past. I'm not totally clear- there are still debts to be paid, but the balance is far more even for having finished the degree.
